Tuesday, January 17, 2012


     Charlie and Susie were still holding hands when the theater lights came up.
     “That sure was a creepy movie,” said Charlie. “I hope it wasn’t too gory for you.”
     “Nah, it was pretty fake.” Susie stood up to put on her coat.
     “Do you think a zombie apocalypse could ever really happen?” Charlie stretched his arms and stood up, too.
     Susie shrugged. “I don’t know. One can hope.”
     “Yeah—wait, what?” he asked.
     She wrapped her scarf around her neck. “Well, I don’t think it’s likely, but the world sure would be lucky to have a zombie outbreak.”
     Charlie scratched his head. “How would that be lucky?”
     “How wouldn’t it?” she said. “Zombies don’t fight with each other. They don’t need any health insurance or medical attention because nothing kills them—unless a stupid human shoots them in the head. They aren’t judgmental. They don’t get bored. They don’t even need to eat, but they sure get a kick out of some fresh brains every now and then.”
     “Hmm,” Charlie put on his own coat. “I guess I never thought about it like that.”
     Susie picked up her purse and started to walk toward the aisle. “Honestly, have you ever seen a zombie that didn’t look like he was happy to be a zombie? It’s the humans who are always unhappy. They scream and fight with each other, and they’re the ones creating more pollution and poverty. People always calm down and become content once they’re infected. Wanna get some pizza?”
     Charlie thought about her words as they left the theater. He thought about them as they ate their pizza, he thought about them as he tried to fall asleep that night and he thought about them as he sat at his office desk the next day. Over time, he began to envy zombies. He envied them so much that he tried to become infected by a monkey the next time he visited a zoo. He went straight to the monkey house and stuck his finger through a cage until a curious little primate scurried over and bit off the tip.
     Charlie didn’t become a zombie, but he did win a nice settlement from the zoo.
     He also got rabies.

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