Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Vampire Seth

     There once was a vegetarian vampire named Seth. Seth only ate beets—or more accurately, sucked juice out of beets.
     Seth loved tomatoes, but was allergic to them and would get itchy all over whenever he tried to suck tomato juice. He liked carrot juice, but it turned his skin orange so he usually avoided it. And most other vegetables were so starchy that he couldn’t get any juice out of them with his vampire fangs. He had to use a juicer and it always made a big mess to clean up. Beets were just easier. After all, nothing bled like a beet. If you ever tried to squeeze the juice out of a turnip then you probably understand.
     One evening, right after sunset, Seth was shopping at his local food co-op when he met a beautiful employee stocking produce. He didn’t notice her at first because local organic beets were on sale and he was busy filling his cart with them. She noticed him, though.
     “Nice cape,” she said from behind.
     Seth looked up and was immediately drawn to her beautiful, slender neck (even though he was vegetarian, all vampires have a thing for necks). Then he saw her long, jet-black hair, her pale complexion and her slender fingers delicately stacking a pyramid of avocados.
     Seth knew he was in love. In a flash, he imagined their whole life together. He saw himself spending long nights walking through dark alleys with her, caressing her neck and impressing her by turning into smoke. His senses tingled when he thought about tucking into a double-sized coffin with her at dawn. He even had a glimpse of their future family, with little vampire babies turning into bats and flying around the room while they sat together and watched Conan O’Brien. And the best part was, she worked at the food co-op so she was probably vegetarian-friendly. That was a dealbreaker for Seth because he thought meat was really gross and even the sight of it made him feel sick.
     “Um… thanks,” Seth said, then took a quick glance at her nametag. “Nicole. Thanks Nicole.”
     She grinned at him and nodded toward his shopping cart. “It looks like you really like beets.”
     “Sure d-do,” he said with a little stutter. He hadn’t felt this nervous in centuries! “Do you, um… like beets?” As soon as he said it he felt like an idiot.
     But she only smiled wider. “I do,” she said. “Being a vegetarian and working in the produce department, it’s hard not to like them. They’re actually one of my favorite vegetables.”
     Seth’s heart would have leapt out of his chest if it were still beating! This woman was clearly his soul mate—if he had a soul—and he had no doubt they were meant to spend the rest of their lives together—if he was alive.
     “Although,” she continued, “they’re not my all-time favorite vegetable. That would have to be garlic.”
     Seth froze in shock. “Garlic?” he repeated.
     “Yep, garlic for sure,” she said. “I eat more garlic than anything. Actually, I don’t enjoy a meal without garlic, even beets. I really drown them in it, and I won’t eat them any other way.”
     Seth felt as though someone shoved a giant oak stake through his heart. Without another word, he walked away from her and his cart of beets and kept going right out of the co-op. His castle was ten miles away, but he walked the whole way there without flying. When he made it home, he just sat on the drawbridge and stared at the crocodiles in the moat. He almost didn’t even bother to go inside at sunrise, but at the last minute he pulled himself together and dragged his feet through the door.
     Oh well, he thought to himself as he settled into his coffin. I guess she wasn’t the one. Maybe next time…

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